Despite what 13 Going On 30 led you to believe, it’s possible that the people who were mean to you in high school might still succeed and be happy in life. But how are you supposed to go about your day knowing that your nemesis might not get the karma they definitely deserve? Here are four yoga poses that are so difficult you won’t have time to think about the fact that your enemies might still lead rich, fulfilling lives. The nerve.
As you embark upon the impossible task of flipping your body upside down, allow every thought of Brian getting a job at NASA to leave with an exhale. And as you raise your knees from your chest to an outstretched position, do not picture the rocket that he will propel into the Earth’s stratosphere, nor the five-year reunion during which you will need to explain that you’re “kind of in-between gigs right now.”
Eka Hasta Vrksasana (One Handed Tree Pose)
This one’s basically impossible, right? There is absolutely no way you could manage to perfectly balance your entire body weight on one wrist and also relive the time you made a joke in homeroom and Brian laughed too hard, like so hard it was suspicious. Almost as if he were laughing at you rather than with you, and now he’s an aerospace engineer who’s gonna get to tell his grandkids he sent people to outer sp—aaand you’re on the ground. Walk it off, buddy.
Sirsa Padasana (Head To Foot Pose)
Okay. Focus. You’re not in high school anymore! You’re mature and taller and yeah, your left boob did end up growing in. Take a deep breath, roll your feet towards your head, and imagine coming full circle. You hold no grudges, not even over the time Brian told everyone you hadn’t showered since the Bush presidency, which, for a middle schooler, was incredible math. Wait, no. Brian didn’t say that about you. You said that about Brian. No, that can’t…that’s not…if he wasn’t…were you the bad guy? WERE YOU THE BAD GUY???
Kala Bhairavasana (Destroyer Of The Universe Pose)
YOU DESERVE THIS POSE, YOU BULLY. You did that to Brian: poor, sweet Brian! What did Brian ever do to you, huh psycho? It was probably you who called him “smart Brian” and “aerospace engineering Brian,” which in retrospect were more descriptive than mean, BUT STILL. You’re never going to get a job at NASA, not just because you are wholly unqualified but also because this is Brian’s world, and you’re just living in it.
Now that you’re thoroughly stretched and humiliated, take a few seconds to get in touch with your breathing. Is it worse? Good.