The most important work you’ll ever do in this life is taking care of your own body, and that’s because you might need to sell off a viable organ or two at some point. Luckily, you won’t need to go farther than your local health food store to grab these superfoods that will guarantee your organs stay at the highest price point on the dark web.
Dark Leafy Greens
Mama told you to eat your vegetables, and she was right! Kale, spinach, collard greens and whatever Swiss chard is are all vital ingredients that prevent chronic diseases, and you’d better slop ‘em up because no one’s paying top price for your cancerous-ass kidney!
Green tea contains epigallocatechin gallate: a powerful anti-inflammatory antioxidant. This will help keep your body in shipshape, and then you can sweep the fuck up by selling one of your lungs for, like, $100,000? That’s an amount of dough that could really come through for you in the event of an emergency, such as complications from having your lung removed by a guy named Dr. Chaz. Better safe than sorry!
Delicious and nutritious, berries will make you live forever. But living forever is expensive! Luckily, your main guts will only appreciate in value as you fill yourself with blueberry and acai smoothies. Then on a rainy day, bam, sell 60% of your liver. You don’t really need it that much and anesthesia is actually so fun!
Full of probiotics and calcium, yogurt is rife with health benefits, and a great way to toughen up your bones. You might be thinking, “Wait, bones aren’t organs,” but if so, you’re not using your grossest organ (brain!). Bones can also sell for a pretty penny and your body already more of them than it knows what to do with. God removed one rib from Adam to make Eve, but you can actually remove six ribs and sell them to a cannibal. Not a competition, but you’re coming out on top AND with rock solid calcium rich bones to boot.
Your body is a temple, and like all temples, the better condition you keep it in the more you can rake in when you scrap it for parts. So invest in yourself with these yummy and mega healthy superfoods that will keep your torso junk in the top bracket when you sell them on the black market to make rent or buy a jet ski. Your body, your choice!