Everywhere you look these days there seems to be a round, firm, lifted ass. If you want to sculpt a booty that has all that and more, then get ready to work, because these four glute-blasting exercises aren’t easy, but they will make your ass gain full sentience, no matter how hard you try to stop it!
The Barbell Hip Thrust
This classic move involves sitting with your elbows on an elevated surface and thrusting up your hips with a big weight over them. Start with four reps of five at a weight that’s comfortable for you, and before long you’ll realize that sensation in your butt isn’t soreness; it’s something else entirely. Your ass is…. feeling? What does this mean?!
Single Leg Romanian Deadlift
The single leg Romanian deadlift is hard to explain in words (you should really watch a video if you want to learn how to do an exercise), but what we can guarantee is that this balance and glute-strengthening move will make your ass sentient, and it will make your ass mad. “This is too much,” your ass will think. “Why are you making me work so tirelessly? What is this all for?”
With a wide stance and repeat pulses in a deep squat position, the pulse squat is a real doozy. Not only will it make your sentient and ever-stronger ass more toned, it will also imbue it with self-awareness. Now your ass will feel, but also be capable of reflection. It is likely to feel that you are a tyrant, forcing it to bikini-influencer-level extremes, then fall into a nihilistic depression due to its complete lack of agency and a ceaseless mandate to continue existing. “Why am I here?” your ass will ask, over and over, as you try to sleep. Start with three reps of ten!
A properly executed reverse lunge will bring your emotional ass out of its despondency and make it realize the full extent of its power. Your Überass will now control you, and demand more protein and luxurious moisturizing masks. Ultimately, this will be great for your booty pics, but terrible for your self-determination and ability to form a cohesive sense of identity. You will be fighting with this very strong, highly intelligent nemesis for the rest of your waking life. Worth it!
These exercises will have your ass on fire, then on a gradual but unstoppable path to sentience and self-actualization. So get squatting, girlie!