If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that I’m a low-maintenance gal. In many ways, this makes me a dream woman and partner. I’m not emotionally needy, I can get ready for a date in less than five minutes, and I’m thin even though I love to eat big burgers. But just because I can “hang with the guys,” that doesn’t mean I’m also not an extremely high-maintenance car that needs to be taken into the shop every few weeks. Beep beep.
Yes, I’m a beautiful woman who can shotgun a beer and curse like a sailor. But I’m also an old rusty car that needs constant fixing and upkeep. And even though I always look perfect right when I wake up, I also frequently break down and leak wiper fluid everywhere. Sure, I’m a chill woman who loves sex just the right amount and can quote Fight Club, but that doesn’t mean I’m not the ancient Subaru Outback you got from your older brother when he went off to Bowdoin.
If I’m being honest, sometimes I do like to put on a full face of makeup and a pair of gorgeous heels. So what, I like to feel fancy! But at the end of the day, I’m just your average station wagon that would be rotting in a dump if it weren’t the car where you lost your virginity in the back parking lot of the JCC. Because when I don’t feel like a lady, I feel like a car. Because I am a car, and I need you to use diesel gas because I have a diesel engine for some reason. Honk.
There are so many cool things about me. When we go out, I’ll let you pick the restaurant because I like every food, even when I’m not that hungry! But since I’m also a piece of shit car, you’re going to have to pull over until you’re positive I’m not about to catch on fire. I’m incredibly expensive to fix, and one time I rolled through a stop sign and tapped a man on one of those low-to-the-ground bikes. I also love sports! Especially Nascar, which is sport featuring many of my good friends.
I guess what I’m saying is; don’t underestimate me. I may be laid-back and look hot in your sports jersey, but I’m also a straight up car and beep beep zoom zip beep beep a-oo-gah a-ooooo-gah honk honkl! So yeah, sometimes I do want to be treated like a princess!
Sadly, I think a lot of guys take low-maintenance women for granted. Well, it’s time to man up! Because if you let your guard down for one second, I will roll down the street and into a mailbox.
Vroom, vroom, vroom!!
