So you wake up one day and realize that for as long as you live, breathe, and roam this earth, you will never not know every lyric to “The General” by Dispatch. Well, you’re not alone: Many of us are plagued by an interminable knowledge of each line to this narrative song by a late 90s indie/roots band, but it can still feel frustrating knowing this useless information is taking up space in your no-longer developing brain. Here’s how to turn that feeling around with three productive things to do with your permanent knowledge of every word to “The General” by Dispatch.
Increase your cybersecurity.
Password requirements often have a minimum length, but do they have a maximum? Seriously, we don’t know, but let’s assume they don’t. With your pristine word-for-word memory of Dispatch’s number one hit “The General” about a decorated general with a heart of gold that likened him to all the stories he told of past battles won and lost and legends of old, a seasoned veteran in his own time, you can create a password so long and impenetrable that you’ll never have to worry about the security of your banking app ever again. It may be time-consuming, but at least you’ll never forget it.
Start a jam band.
You’re never going to remove from your brain the lyrics to a song about General Robert E. Lee telling his Confederate troops to go home, which is, importantly, insane. So, much like “The General” urges, stop fighting it. Instead, make your keen knowledge of this deep-to-a-14-year-old-stoner song an even bigger part of who you are by forming a band jam with some friendly neighbors and just rocking out in one of your garages every day until someone’s spouse claims to have a migraine, and you decide that this fight is not worth fighting.
Pass the curse.
Finally, though you may never free yourself from the knowledge’s hold, you can at least spread this chronic lyrical disease. When their parents aren’t around to stop you, play “The General” for a young niece or cousin. Their naïve ears and eagerness to form a distinguished taste profile will make them easy prey for the vague anti-war ballad. The more their brains are consumed by “The General”, the less you have to worry about it holding you back, comparatively.
So try these tips to make productive use of your unwilling knowledge of Dispatch’s “The General”. And if you’re thinking, “There are only three ways?” Of course there are only three ways, and it’s pushing it to even calls these three productive. Go now, you are forgiven!
