One of the hardest parts of Thanksgiving is pretending you enjoy spending time with family. If there’s one positive thing about this year, it’s that the kindest thing you can do for your mother is to stay as far away from her as possible. But how do you pretend you’re absolutely devastated by the fact that you must stay at home, away from the family you sort-of love sometimes? Here are some tips on how to make her think you care:
Send her a heartfelt card.
Get one of those cards with the cursive lettering and sincere pre-written message to show your Mom that you’re crushed by the idea of being apart from her this Thanksgiving. This is an easy way to share the opposite of your feelings, because there is usually a poem inside that will take up most of the blank space in the card. Write with something like, “I miss you dearly, my beloved mother, who raised me to have a good heart” so your mom can cry to your dad about how brave you are for getting very high and eating an elaborate pizza alone in your apartment.
Send her a photo of the empty pizza box.
Your mom will consider dropping fucking EVERYTHING right then and there and drive 12 hours to see you as soon as she sees a photo of an empty pizza box on your coffee table. Even though you are very high, and the pizza was delicious, she will call you in a panic asking if you are “okay” and “need someone to talk to.” Tell her that you’re doing fine, but you’re so glad she called – maybe she can teach you how to make gravy? You can put her on mute; she won’t even notice.
Gaze out the window for long spells while on your family Zoom.
To ensure that your mom thinks you’re miserable without her, hide your fun, drunk roommates and make sure you go silent for long moments, gazing out the window. When they ask what’s wrong, tell them, “I was just thinking of Thanksgivings of yesteryear. We were all so happy then.” Your father will have to hold her back from airlifting you to the nearest aunt! Now you can get drunk in peace!!
It isn’t easy pretending to hate being away from family this time of year, but sometimes, a little work can go a long way into ensuring you remain the favorite. Good luck, and stay the fuck home!