15 Minutes of Christmas Music More Effective Than Four Years of Zoloft

In a laundry folding session set to Spotify Holiday Radio out of Mila Rizzo’s bedroom, 15 minutes of Christmas classics have proven more effective at improving the 24-year-old’s mental health than four years of SSRIs.


“I’ve been medicated for my depression since I was 20, but I was still feeling pretty down as I walked home in the dark from the laundromat at 5 p.m.,” Mila says. “I was too disinterested in art and life to actually pick out music to listen to, so I went with the radio station that was suggested to me, and 15 seconds into ‘Little Saint Nick’ by the Beach Boys I discovered I’m still capable of experiencing joy.”


Though Mila has been under treatment by a psychiatrist for almost half a decade, her depression has persisted.


“I’m definitely glad for the meds,” she says. “I mean, I don’t really know if they work, I’ve lost my appetite, and it’s almost impossible for me to cum, but I’m probably better off with them.”



The efficacy of Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’ or the Peanuts’ Christmas song, however, is not in question.


“I felt so many things I had forgotten I was capable of feeling: excited, connected to humanity, hungry for cookies,” she says. “I think that Christmas magic is, like, real?”


Experts confirmed Mila’s suspicions.


“It certainly doesn’t work for everyone, but the feeling of a holiday that’s all about togetherness, glowing lights, love, and hot chocolate can actually make people feel happy,” says Christmas psychologist Dr. Elaine de Vries. “Of course, others find holidays to be the most upsetting and triggering time of the year, so if you’re finding any enjoyment, run with it!”


And that’s exactly what she appears to be doing.


“I’ve never seen Mila like this,” says her roommate, Ben Pullman. “She’s dancing around and just suggested we get a full-ass Christmas tree for our apartment.”


“The whole thing is kind of freaking me out,” Ben adds. “I think if she wants to try alternative approaches to medication, she should at least start with something natural, like shrooms.”