My Landlord Asked for Proof of Employment and I Asked Them to Prove That They’re a Barb

In our capitalist society, landlords feel entitled to set up barriers of entry for apartment applicants. This includes asking really personal and invasive questions about our employment status. However, we never really get to ask questions about the people whose mortgages we’re paying off. So, I demanded that my landlord prove that he’s a Barb before I signed my lease.


He has 24 hours to respond.


Some people may say that someone’s musical preferences should not influence if you decide to rent with them or not. And to that I say: It absolutely should! A person hating or being indifferent towards Nicki Minaj is a lifestyle that I simply cannot tolerate. It also indicates that this person is not of sound mind and does not possess good character. I can’t trust my money and personal credit history with such a monster.


I can overlook political affiliation, sex offender status, and possible murder charges, but I draw that line at Nicki haters, and middle-aged men who don’t know what a ‘Barb’ is.


As part of the vetting process, I sent my landlord a comprehensive Barb quiz. First, he has to send me a video of him rapping “Itty Bitty Piggy” in its entirety. No looking at lyrics and no stuttering allowed. Then he has to answer a series of questions only real Barbs know, like “what did Onika’s mother’s breast milk taste like in 1982.” If he gets a single question wrong. I’m recruiting my neighbors to initiate a rent strike on all his properties.


Like the Queen once said, “Go against Nicki it’s gon’ cost ya.”


Being a Barb is more than just a hobby for me; it’s a full-time job. So in that sense, yes I am employed, and part of my job description is only giving money to individuals who unabashedly support the Queen, Onika Tanya Maraj. Praise be.