It’s fridge-cleaning day, and you’re looking at the variously colored and textured moldy goopy food before you like it’s the New World and you’re John Freaking Smith. Maybe you’re thinking, “There’s no way I can touch that salami-apricot-fungus-hybrid.” Thankfully, you don’t have to! Here are ten easy ways to feel like you’ve cleaned those leftovers out of your life by pushing them farther back in the fridge.
1. Crowd ‘em out!
Load up the front of your fridge with new food and—as with labor—push, push, push. Your new tub of hummus will automatically jostle that old tub of hummus back for you!
2. Use a utensil.
Chopsticks aren’t just for eating. They’re for prodding moldy deli meats back into the festering oblivion where they belong! Don’t touch that shit; it’s dangerous!
3. Ask a man to push it back for you.
When Sheryl Sandberg wrote Lean In, she didn’t mean into the fridge! You didn’t really want that Lo Mein to begin with, but you ordered it just for your guy. Assert your dominance and let your man push that that nasty growing blob farther back in the fridge for you.
4. Be aggressive.
Push your fridge over. Gravity and the weight of all those partially reheated samosas will do the work for you.
5. Magnets!
Are you the crafty type? Get some magnetic squares, affix them to your leftovers and use a big ‘ol horseshoe magnet to push that bloated milk carton away from your person. This is easier than throwing them out because it’s fun!
6. Use telekinesis.
Are you a Jedi with a fridge full of leftovers? You must unlearn that that chicken tetrazzini is in there by using the Force to send it back.
7. Let a frantic puppy loose in your fridge.
Animals don’t take well to being shut up in cold boxes. They also don’t mind gross food, as long as it’s people-food. As Fluffy flails around in a crazed state, she’ll inevitably push that ricotta cheese beyond the halfway mark! Good girl!
8. Bring out the big guns.
Got a 9-millimeter you don’t use enough? Try shooting those leftovers out of sight. They WILL explode everywhere, but the goopy remains will be closer to the back of the fridge than before. Need to vent? Imagine each bullet is destroying an unread e-mail that you haven’t dealt with yet.
9. Visualize.
This one is a bit of a cheat, but hey, out of sight, out of mind, right? Blindfold yourself and just IMAGINE all those leftovers have been pushed to the back. You’ll bump into things a lot, but you’ll have a pristine vegetable drawer—in your mind!
10. Believe in magic.
We all know Narnia turned up in the back of a wardrobe, so who’s to say it’s not in the back of your fridge? Close your eyes and wish hard enough, and Mr. Tumnus the Faun might turn up to take that spoiled guacamole off your hands! Goats will eat anything.
Before long, you’ll find that you’ve saved entire afternoons worth of time, while still feeling that radiant grown-up glow of having what you can pretend is an organized kitchen. The best part? You can now use those extra hours to get your closet in order by shifting everything in it to your bed!
