With our careers stable, our confidence peaking and our sex drives just revving up, our thirties are the perfect years to settle down. But, why save your best self for just one man, when you can go to the altar with all of these men (in chronological order)? You don’t want to waste your thirties, do you?
1. The Sugar Daddy
After years of leaning in, it’s nice to quit your desk job and recline in the comforts of a leather upholstered first-class seat on a private jet to Malibu. So, go to one of those nice bars and find yourself a finance guy. Hitch yourself to his cufflinks for as long as it takes to get sick of priority boarding (which is about a year, remember you have nine or more of these to go and proposals don’t come easy).
2. The Artiste
Every woman needs to spend at least one year legally bound to a carefree, high-minded artist spirit. And with your hefty first divorce settlement, you won’t have to worry about the financial consequences of permanently (nine months-ish?) committing yourself to a life of philosophical intrigue and sleeping on a futon! Just get a prenup – you worked hard for that first-marriage money!
3. Captain Adventure
No early thirties are complete without uniting yourself to an adrenaline junky in the eyes of God. When you’re married to Captain Adventure, every day is a surprise. Today, a spontaneous trip to Thailand. Tomorrow, a last-minute sky-diving Groupon. The next day, who can say? Divorce? Yeah, probably. But think of all the photo opportunities!
4. The Father Figure
You know the type: kind of average-looking, takes his nephew to baseball games on the weekends, teaches his niece how to play the banjo, knows how to clean human feces off a wall. We don’t need to tell you that the older you get, the more your ovaries resemble dehydrated corn kernels. Better lock him down and pop them out before it’s too late. Just choose wisely – this is the husband you’re going to be seeing even after the marriage ends.
5. Sporty Morty
Chances are, you’re not going to naturally bounce back from an IVF-fueled triplet birth. Enter Sporty Morty, the marathon-running, spin-cycling, goji berry-guzzling man of your dream body. Your first couple’s workout? Jumping the broom.
6. Mr. Mindful
Once your outer shell is back in fighting form and you can’t look at a piece of kale without calling your therapist, it’s time to wed Mr. Mindful. Introspective, thoughtful and deeply in tune with your chakras, this guy is total late-30’s marriage material. This one doesn’t believe in possessions, though.
7. The Jester
Who do you call when you’ve reached enlightenment and have nowhere to go but down? A funny man. The Jester has the same headiness as Mr. Mindful, without any of the pretension. Sometimes, you just want a guy who can make you laugh, in front of your closest friends and family, at a small ceremony this time, maybe in a park. And being in his late thirties, this may be the first time his comedy career might actually have a chance of taking off!
8. Le Chef
There’s only one thing better than laughter coming out of your mouth, and that’s a medium rare steak with compound butter going in it. Marrying a chef is also the easiest way to deal with your seven other failed marriages. Go ahead, eat them feelings, girl!
9. Doctor Dolots
Unfortunately, finally having your shit together coincides with your body falling apart. Which is why your thirties are the perfect years to tie your cans to a doctor’s bumper. Free meds and nightly breast exams for the rest of your year? Yes, please.
10. Mr. Right…Now
Sometimes, you just gotta go with your gut. Like when you meet Mr. Right Now in a Vegas casino on a sales conference, get wasted on free well whisky, and get re-married at the Graceland Chapel on the spot. Fingers crossed he’s good with kids!
