REPORT: Minnesotan Ambulance Just Needs to Scoot Past Ya “We’re certainly in a rush, but we don’t mean to inconvenience anyone.”
Introvert Requires 48 Hours of Alone Time to Recover From 15-Minute Conversation “Engaging verbally with another human just drops my energy levels to zero.”
Roommate Convinced Apartment Is Haunted by Ghost Who Only Ever Takes Out the Recycling “Sometimes, certain hard plastics and empty cans of soda are also gone.”
Woman Completes Every Single Work Task Between 4 p.m. and 4:45 p.m. Harmony maintains that she can only work under extreme duress.
REPORT: Meaning of Tattoo Will Certainly Convince Parents to Like It Your parents hate tattoos, but maybe this time things will be different for no discernible reason at all.
Woman Spends Day Mostly Just Combining Uppers and Downers Georgia’s heart rate is sitting at a very concerning 90 beats per minute.
Woman Taking Steps to Curb Negative Self-Talk or Some Stupid Shit Like That “At least that’s my latest stupid fucking idea.”
Woman Uncertain Which Personality to Use With New Acquaintances “Shy? Loud? Mean? Nice? Rude? Not rude?”
TV Being So Good Directly Correlated to Everything Else Being So Bad “We’ve suspected this correlation ever since Mad Men reached its artistic height during the 2008 recession.”
Woman Only Able to Enjoy Movie If She Talking During It “What’s the point if you can’t whisper-yell a stream-of-consciousness style play-by-play of each scene?”
Woman Spends Entirety of 30s Resting Between Sets at the Gym “A decade is roughly enough time to start to feel like I’m ready to start that second set.”
Man Only Ever Makes Plans for Next 48 Hours “As long as I’m always planning for tomorrow, I always have plans!”
Democrats Blocked From Entering Capitol Building Due to ‘Push’ Door Labeled ‘Pull’ “We kept pulling and pulling but it didn’t do any good.”
Trump Not So Against Gender-Affirming Care When It’s His Own Hair Transplant “It’s strange that he’s decided to ban gender-affirming care for trans people considering he’s such a fan of the stuff himself.”
Woman Spends 45 Minutes Picking Songs for 15 Minute Run “I’m pretty sure if I plan everything perfectly, running will not be painful.”
Woman Who Forgot Own Social Security Number Just Grateful Elon Musk Knows It Jess is just happy that she can finally relieve herself of the responsibility to remember her own sensitive info.
City-Dwelling Woman Reconnects With Nature by Taking Dog on Walk to Pee in Small Patch of Dirt Next to Sidewalk In a developing story out of Queens, NY, 29-year-old Violet Johnson makes a concerted effort to connect with nature every...
Man Drinking Iced Coffee in Winter With Hopes Someone Will Notice Fellow patrons heard him ask for his drink “extra cold,” which doesn’t really mean anything.
Winter Coats Taking up 99% of Space in Woman’s Apartment “I can’t have people over because there’s no space.”
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