In a developing story coming out of an apartment in Brooklyn, 28-year-old Lenore Shepherd has started inspecting her boyfriend more closely after coming to the realization that all of her past beaus have been fuck-ugly.
“I just randomly started thinking about it, and literally all of my past boyfriends have looked like a rock that was roughly hewn by the wind to vaguely resemble a human, ” Lenore told reporters. “Now I can’t stop wondering: does my current boyfriend look like that, too?”
Lenore said that she’s never noticed her boyfriends being ugly until after they’ve broken up.
“I always thought they were cute when we were dating!” she said. “This revelation has just made me think…maybe my boyfriends were ugly when I was dating them, and didn’t just mysteriously turn ugly immediately after we broke up?”
Lenore’s friends said that, yes, this obviously was the case.
“One time she showed me a picture of the new guy she was seeing and I straight up thought it was a photo of a dog,” Lenore’s friend Kath told reporters. “And not even a cute dog. Like, the rescue dog that’s so ugly that you feel bad for it, but still –– in your heart of hearts –– you know you’d never adopt.”
However, no one felt confident enough to give an opinion on Lenore’s current boyfriend one way or the other.
“Oh, James?” Thea, another of Lenore’s friends, asked reporters in a clear attempt to stall. “He’s definitely got a face! And he sure can wear the hell out of a shirt and pants, I’ll say that much.”
Reporters didn’t feel like this gave them an accurate understanding of what James actually looks like, literally at all.
Lenore said that, frankly, she wasn’t sure she knew anymore either.
“I like him,” she said. “But am I letting that cloud my judgement? I liked my old boyfriend Leo, too, but then he cheated on me and I realized he was 5’3” with a mustache that he curled up at the ends like a cartoon villain. I’m not sure how I didn’t notice that before…”
As of press time, Lenore still hadn’t definitively decided whether or not her boyfriend James was actually super ugly or not, but she did tell reporters that he had “shark eyes,” “strong toenails,” and “several tattoos of his Toyota on his back.”
Reporters were able to come to their own conclusions based on those few details, but unfortunately it seemed that Lenore would have to wait until her boyfriend stole from her to see the truth.
