Friend’s New Boyfriend Just Composite Sketch of All Her Exes

In a new story out of Toronto, Canada, your friend Maya Roberts has begun dating a guy who is literally just a composite sketch of all of her ex-lovers.


According to Ulysses Howard, a professionally trained illustrator with high empathy and acuity for detail, he received some requests from Maya to draw her next boyfriend.


“I combined Jared’s shaggy hair, Cole’s thick eyebrows, Abe’s sneering resting face, and David’s objectively impressive upper-body strength to make Ray Carlson, Maya’s new boyfriend,” the artist told us. “Basically, I just blended together Maya’s record of past mistakes into one individual man, and he came out great!”


Sources say even the name “Ray Carson” is just a combination of Maya’s three high-school crushes, Raymond, Carl, and Jackson.


Reportedly, when Maya invited Ray to a brunch with several of your friends this weekend, you immediately noticed Ray’s eerie familiarity to the many faces you had seen before at previous brunches.


“If you kinda squint your eyes a little and tilt your head,” you told a friend at the table. “He looks just like Jared, Cole, Abe, David, Raymond, Carl, and Jackson.”


Other friends of Maya also noticed Ray’s similarities to Maya’s past boyfriends, noting that even his voice sounded like Cole’s and his mannerisms were just like David’s.


“Okay, so I know what I like. Is that a crime?!” Maya told us. “I just have a type! What’s so wrong about that?”


Sources report that while Maya does have a type, Ray is still literally a sketch of every ex she’s ever had.



At press time, sources confirmed Ray Carlson was no longer invited at brunch, as Maya had since discovered that Ray also shared her exes’ toxic traits – combining Jared’s inability to apologize, Cole’s overbearing family, Abe’s caretaker complex, and David’s tendency to compete with her.