In a self-esteem-preserving move, the hottest, meanest girl at this house party has chosen to complain about the party to you.
Yes, specifically you.
After an isolated year without the gauge of the attention of a hot mean girl at a house party, this event signals a historic shift in the tides of your social history.
“I just couldn’t believe it,” you report. “Everyone was watching to see who she’d decide to complain with, and then she turned to me and started talking about how tacky string lights are. It was exactly like I always dreamed. I swear…time stopped.”
Of course, your life-affirming win came at a cost to other partygoers.
“It was devastating,” says Jamie Thomson, a Greenpoint-based tattoo artist who was invited to the party by an ex-girlfriend. “I was hoping the hot mean girl would choose me. I had worn my favorite boots and everything. And I have a job interview tomorrow, so there was a lot riding on this emotionally for me.”
The conversation was mostly mundane, with a few references to vintage clothing stores you had never heard of.
“I jotted down everything I could catch in my notes app,” adds Jamie, who was hovering a few feet from the chat pretending to be texting. “I figure if I start shopping where she shops, then next time we’re at a party together—God willing—she might choose me to complain with. Or, oh my God, maybe I’ll run into her when we’re buying the same top and we can complain right there.”
According to spectators, the most thrilling moment occurred when the hot mean girl offered you a sip of her drink, which she said was kind of like something a BAFTA winner had bought her at Soho House once. The crowd paused to see if you would accept a drink from a stranger during a global pandemic. Unwilling to disappoint your community, you took a sip to uproarious applause.
“That wasn’t even the scariest part,” you add. “At one point she asked me how I knew the host of the party and I had to be like, ‘I assistant directed him in The Crucible.’ I thought she was going to walk away right there, but apparently, she’s been in a production of The Crucible too. It was shocking. I had no idea she had her own complex interests and past. God, I hope she thinks I’m hot and mean.”
We tried to reach the hot mean girl for comment, but her personal number is kept in a safe locked around her neck and we think she has us muted on social media.
