In a testament to the healing power of honesty, 27-year-old Queens, NY resident Dani Chopra has finally admitted that she never really knows when the rice is done and has kind of been winging it this whole time.
Speak your truth, girl! The consistency is confusing!
“Sure, the rice packaging always gives precise instructions,” Dani told reporters gathered at the scene. “But somehow, it’s always a bit wrong? Like, when I take the rice off the stove it’s almost always either under or overcooked, and there’s no way to tell in advance which it’ll be. And here I am, pretending to know the difference!”
Sources report the simplest dish on earth is ruining Dani’s life.
Her friend, Gertie Friedrich, says she’s gotten in the habit of bringing her own cooked rice to Dani’s house: “She’s just never cooked it correctly,” Gertie told reporters. “I’ve watched her make rice in a perfectly normal way from start to finish and it still comes out fucking weird.”
“The internet says to take it off the heat when the rice seems like it’s absorbed all the water,” Dani continued, absorbed in a mommy blogger’s think-piece. “But how am I supposed to know? I’m not a witch!”
Sources confirm every time Dani tries to avoid overcooking her rice, she undercooks it, and any time she makes sure not to undercook it, there’s a little crust of burnt rice on the bottom that she has no clue what to do with.
“And don’t even get me started on rinsing the rice before you use it,” she continued. “Why doesn’t the package say that? Is this just some kind of folklore we’re all supposed to know? Why isn’t anyone speaking up! Why do I feel so goddamn alone!”
Yes, girl! Make an implicit commentary on the human condition!
“I tried cooking it for a bit longer than recommended, and now it’s chewy,” she continued, working herself into a frenzy as a pot of rice boiled over behind her. “But isn’t it supposed to be chewy? Isn’t that, like, the whole point of the rice? I don’t want my rice to be fucking hard!”
Researchers at the Culinary Institute of America declined to advise her because “it should be self-explanatory. It’s literally just rice.”
At press time, Dani’s grandma had bought her a rice cooker. “Oh,” she said. “Didn’t realize this was an option. Thanks!”
