When Susan Weiland gave birth to twins last December, she thought her fit physique was a thing of the past. Between the stretch marks, loose skin and extra flab, Susan knew it was time to take serious action. So after weeks of trying various diets and workout routines with no results, the next step was obvious – blackmailing God.
Now Weiland looks sexier than ever.
After catching God in a compromising position back in 2014, she knew she had some leverage. During a prayer for the healing of her nephew’s broken arm, God responsed , “Sure thing, Kathy.”
Weiland immediately became suspicious because her first name is actually Susan. “Kathy?” she asks the deity, “Who’s Kathy? Are you even listening?”
God then admitted he had been listening to a true crime podcast instead and had totally spaced out for a second.
With this knowledge of God’s inattentiveness, Weiland suddenly gained power over the universe’s creator. She thought about exposing God’s secret right away in exchange for money or fame but decided to wait, knowing she’d need a bigger favor someday.
When her attempts at getting her pre-baby body back failed, Weiland knew it was time to play the blackmail card against God.
“And you can start by helping me shed these annoying pounds.” says Weiland.
Then she looked down and gasped. Her rockin’ bod was suddenly back and better than ever!
Ever since that fateful night of divine coercion, people have been asking Weiland how she did it. Her friends and colleagues begged for her secret, guessing every fad diet in the book. Some even wondered whether she had a little surgical help. However, none of them could ever predict that her true secret was holy extortion.
Now Weiland’s story can be an inspiration for anyone struggling to accept their post-baby body. Loving the way you look is essential to loving yourself as a whole, so if you’ve recently had children and feel like you’ll never get your body back, just think about Weiland’s story. All you need is patience, hope, and a little pull over our Heavenly Father!
