Wow! Study Finds That You Can Vote For Hillary And Keep Your Dick

A study released by Stanford University has revealed that men who vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton can do so without losing their dicks. These findings came as a huge relief to men across the country who have been gravely concerned with the state of their manhood should they choose to vote for Clinton come November.


“I didn’t realize that I could keep my junk if I voted for a woman,” says Peter Leckington, a young accountant. “I love my dick, and really don’t want to lose it. So this is changing stuff for me.”


The randomized, double-blind and controlled study analyzed 800,000 men’s penises after a simulated voting scenario using virtual reality technology. The results, which even surprised the researchers, showed that 100% of the participants’ penises stayed intact after voting for Clinton.


“I’ve never done a study where there was such a clear result,” Stanford researcher Olivia Nakazato explains. “We thought at least a couple men would lose their penises, but I guess not. Science is crazy!”


The revelatory study sent shock waves all across the country, particularly to those in the #NeverHillary camp, a group that has expressed the greatest fear of penis loss should they vote for Clinton.



“She’s a criminal! Her crimes are endless, so why wouldn’t she be a penis-snatcher?” says one delegate, being kept for extended study.


Scientists are starting to think it’s not the penises that should be studied, but men’s fear.


In addition to their dicks, the study also found that men can also keep their chest hair, pecs and at least one ball. Hillary may take the other ball as a blood oath and then use them as projectiles for her slingshot when she shatters the glass ceiling.