In a stunning new discovery from the site of Pompeii, archeologists have unearthed the intertwined remains of two people who were clearly just keeping things casual up to the moment that they died.
Scientists excavated the two skeletons early Monday morning and were quick to observe that they were intimately wrapped around one another, their faces pressed together, arms and legs locked in an embrace that clearly suggests they weren’t labeling anything.
As lead researcher Dr. Khalil Amed told reporters, “This is a classic example of two buds just hanging out. Just shooting the shit, kind of seeing where things go, not wanting to be tied down by anything too serious.”
Archeologists’ remarkable dating technology can now pinpoint exactly what the two said in their final moments. “It seems like one said, ‘I love you,’” Dr. Amed continued, “And the other responded, ‘Oh…uh…ditto?’”
Awesome, man! Bet she loved that!
Luckily, the two friends didn’t have to sit in that awkward exchange long, because their lives were mercifully cut short by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius.
Dr. Mariah Schubert, University of Wisconsin Professor of Archeology, said the significance of this discovery is staggering.
“It shows a continuity of human experience, that love, pain, and this sort of ethical non-monogamy sitch really do cross generational lines. Sometimes you love someone, and sometimes you’re like, ‘Do I? Maybe? Let’s just feel it out, noncommittally you know? Because we’re both so busy with work and stuff.’”
However, not every member of the archeological team is convinced the relationship was casual. First-year researcher Hannah Klein told reporters, “I feel like it’s obvious that they were in a committed relationship. They literally died in each other’s arms.”
“Yeah, but that could mean anything,” Dr. Ahmed countered. “Friends with benefits, a casual fling. Just because they were hooking up doesn’t mean they were official.”
While the team was divided, it’s undeniable that the remains are remarkably well-preserved due to the fact that one person shielded the other with their body, the mark of a relationship that is chill in a kind of unspoken way.
At press time, archeologists were able to determine that both skeletons had met each other’s parents, but that’s neither here nor there.
