In a developing story out of Brooklyn, NY, 27-year-old Hannah Gurney hasn’t completed anything on her summer bucket list, and as it’s nearing the middle of September, she has decided that she’s just going to distill it all into one fucked up, immoral weekend.
“Among other things, I need to go to the beach, go to a museum, read six books, make homemade ice cream, have a summer fling, visit my parents, and pick strawberries or some shit,” Hannah explained to reporters. “It shouldn’t be too hard to do in a weekend! Though I am regretting tacking on some of those things at the end of the list.”
Sources close to Hannah have expressed doubts about whether or not she’ll be able to check off everything on her list in one weekend.
“Everything else aside, I just don’t know how she plans on visiting her parents and having a full-ass summer fling in one weekend,” said Hannah’s roommate, Enya. “Her parents live on the other side of the country, and she recently told me she thinks romance is ‘dead, buried, and decaying.’ That doesn’t seem very promising to me.”
However, Hannah is confident that she can make it work.
“Does my plan require me to bend the laws of space, time, and my own avoidant, pessimistic nature? Of course! As any good plan would,” Hannah explained. “But you know what else my plan requires? Hope. Faith. So maybe everyone should just shut the fuck up and let me do my thing.”
In addition to the more tangible items on her bucket list, Hannah also has a few spiritual and theoretical items to check off, including: “grow as a person” and “overcome nostalgia” and “embody a sunrise.”
To outsiders, the idea of trying to “achieve” any one of these items in general, let alone in a standard two-day weekend, is baffling.
“How do you embody a sunrise? Let alone do so in less than 48 hours?” questioned Hannah’s friend, Van. “I’m afraid the summer might be too far gone for her to achieve everything on her bucket list.”
However, as of press time, the weekend had passed and Hannah had proved the naysayers wrong by achieving everything on her bucket list, and then some.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but goddamnit, she does embody a sunrise,” admitted a stunned Van. “She didn’t before, but now, without a doubt, she absolutely does.”
