Woman Wants to Be More Productive but Doesn’t Want to Do More Stuff

In a story of having your cake and eating it too, 27-year-old Delia Frazier has ambitious dreams of being more productive – a feat made even more daunting by the fact that she’s not really trying to do more stuff. 


The Chicago, IL local said that being more productive has always been one of her New Year’s resolutions for as long as she can remember.


“It just sounds good, you know?” Delia told reporters gathered outside her apartment. “Like, that’s the kind of thing everyone expects you to want to get better at?”


However, Delia said that while the vague sentiment of “being more productive” sounds good in theory, it just doesn’t really match up with how she actually wants to live her life.


“I like doing a whole lot of nothing,” she said, while also in the midst of writing 28 things on her to-do list for the day. “I find a ton of comfort and fulfillment in enjoying the quiet stillness of the moment. So, if there’s not something I have to be doing, then you can bet your ass I’m going to be doing absolutely fuck all.”


In spite of her seemingly near-enlightened contentment, Delia admitted that she has a sinking feeling that she won’t actually be satisfied in her life until she meets the hazy, impossible-to-identify benchmark that is being “more productive.”


“It might stem from my childhood,” she said, pulling off her running shoes and flopping down on the couch to chit chat with reporters instead of going for a run. “I used to love to lie on the couch for hours watching TV. That was my happy place. But whenever I heard a car pulling into the driveway, I would jump up and pretend to be doing the dishes or something. You don’t really forget trauma like that.”


When asked about what exactly was “traumatic” about that scenario, Delia said that if her parents saw her doing the dishes, they would buy her a treat.


“The thought of the many, many treats I let pass me by still haunts me,” she said. “But, even then, I kind of already knew that lying on the couch and watching TV was the real treat.”


Sources close to Delia confirmed that she never actually did any dishes, she just stood near the dishwasher to look busy – a trait she has carried with her into adulthood.


“She made this long list of household chores she thinks we should do, but she has never once done any of them,” said Delia’s roommate, Hannah Weinsma. “It’s almost like she uses the concept of potential future productivity to enable her to justify relaxing so much in the present.”


At press time, Delia had been stunned into honesty by the accuracy of her roommate’s words, vowing to give up talking about being productive all together and just embrace the divine bliss of doing nothing.