In a story that will certainly make any sensible reader gasp, 24-year-old Katy Fernandez was at her local laundromat this morning when she decided – at the last minute – to throw her duvet cover in with the rest of her laundry, much like a sick fuck adding a shark to a fish tank full of minnows.
“She’s absolutely insane,” onlooker Marcia Penn told reporters gathered at the scene. “She has to know that the duvet cover is going to eat those clothes up in seconds and keep them buried inside for so long that they end up crumpled and damp even after a cycle in the dryer, right?”
Reporters could not help but agree.
“I don’t know why everyone is making this into such a big deal,” Katy said in her own defense. “Everyone’s been looking at me funny ever since I added my duvet cover to the washing machine, but last I checked, it’s within my rights as an American.”
Reporters concurred that such a practice was well within her rights, but that didn’t make it okay.
“I just didn’t have enough quarters for two separate cycles, so I figured it was worth throwing it all in together,” Katy continued. “It’s all going through the same process, you know? Who cares if I put different categories of items in the washing machine at the same time?”
According to sources at the scene, many people cared, as this amounted to cruel and unusual punishment towards her shirts and underwear.
“They’ll never survive in there with a duvet cover,” said tearful laundromat patron Heidi Wu. “They’re practically goners. It’s so sad. The duvet cover is going to chew them up and spit them out!”
The consensus among people who saw Katy add her duvet to the machine was that she must be fucked in the head.
“Who does that sort of thing?” Heidi continued. “Separate your sheets from your normal clothes like a normal, God-fearing Christian.”
Katy took this moment to clarify that she considers herself agnostic.
“Listen, I don’t think it should be illegal, but I do think it’s wrong,” Marcia continued, giving Katy the dirtiest look reporters had seen in a long time. “Those poor clothes don’t know what they have coming.”
As of press time, Katy had removed her duvet cover and clothes from the dryer only to find that – just as everyone predicted – her entire wardrobe had migrated to the inside of the sheets and remained frustratingly damp. While they did not experience joy at having been proven correct, onlookers did hope Katy learned her lesson.
