In the latest news coming out of an office bathroom in New York, NY, new hire Daniella O’Neill is taking a break from crying to quickly catch her reflection in the mirror and see if she looks cute crying.
O’Neill reportedly felt overwhelmed by the demands of her job and stepped into the bathroom for a brief sob when she was struck by the need to evaluate her mid-cry appearance.
Sources confirm she looks devastated in a kind of sexy, downtrodden way.
“No, I do not care if I look cute crying,” Daniella said. “But it’s always good to know for sure, right? Like, who knows? What if I do look cute?”
O’Neill maintains that she’s been told her eyes get kind of hazel when she’s crying and just wanted to double check if that was true.
“You see these scenes in movies where a girl is bawling and somehow looks even more adorable,” said Daniella’s boss, Mark Verrone, who has been informed of the situation unfolding in his office. “And sure, everyone wants to be one of those girls.”
Daniella told reporters that she did not start crying with the intention of making herself cuter, but yeah, if it’s a byproduct, she’ll take it. She then began crying even harder and took a brief pause to see if that made any difference.
Experts at the UCLA Institute of Cosmetology weighed in on the developing scene.
“Our research confirms that most of the time, crying does not make you cuter,” said Dr. Maya Hawkins. “Generally you get puffy and patchy and what we would just call gross. But still…there are those people.”
After she had finished her body-shuddering weep, O’Neill reportedly dusted herself off and wiped her face in the mirror, making sure her eyes were not red enough to convey that she had been crying. The desired effect is what scientists call a “what’s going on in her fucked up head?” shade of red.
O’Neill has resigned not to think about how much time she spent watching herself cry in the mirror because it’s kind of embarrassing. Sources confirm she intends to never acknowledge that it happened.
At press time, O’Neill had recovered from the cry but could feel a cold coming on and rejoiced at the thought of having flushed cheeks and a raspy voice.
