Woman Surrenders Self to $6 Muffin

After a rough morning without having time to make breakfast at home, 24-year-old Nastasia Swanson has decided to surrender her mind, body, and spirit to a $6 muffin, plus tax.


“I didn’t want to do it, believe me,” Nastasia told us. “But there comes a time in every woman’s life where you simply have to let go, and let $6 muffin.”


Nastasia reportedly never buys her breakfast from overpriced cafes, but in this instance, it was just something she had to do, and she made sure to fully relinquish control in order to do it.


“My heart and my head were both telling me not to take my debit card out of my wallet,” Nastasia added. “In fact, it took everything in me to not just walk past the cafe in the first place, but I was so hungry that I was left with no other options: I had to give myself over to this insanely marked-up pastry.”


We also spoke with the barista who was working their shift when Nastasia came in, and they were able to offer insight as to what state she was in during the event.


“First of all, her eyes were completely closed when she walked up to the counter,” 28-year-old barista Lamar Zuniga said. “I’m not sure if she couldn’t bear to look at what was happening, or if she was just letting the holy spirit take over completely.”


“It was a little bit of both,” Nastasia told us. “I honestly felt safer when I let the power of the muffin take me. I’m not sure how I would’ve survived without it.”


At press time, Nastasia has finished eating the $6 muffin and has officially left her self-surrendering past behind her.




“I’m never gonna do that again,” she told us. “Unless that cafe has almond croissants next time.”


We are sending thoughts and prayers her way.