Woman Spends Record-Breaking 13 Months Worrying That Someone She Hates Doesn’t Like Her

A St. Louis native has made history for women who obsess over dumb shit everywhere: Savannah Monroe has shattered the world record for time spent worrying that someone she hates might not like her, after spending the past 13 months deeply concerned that her least favorite coworker, Ian Malcolm, might not be her biggest fan.

When Monroe first started at their firm, her relationship with Malcolm was polite and professional. She would reluctantly acquiesce to his fist-bumps, laugh uncomfortably at his poop jokes, and avoid taking the elevator with him so she wouldn’t have to hear his crazy ex-wife anecdotes.

“Aside from the fact that I hated him, we got along really well,” says Monroe.

One day at lunch, it all changed. When Monroe asked Malcolm if he wanted a bite of her tuna sandwich – his favorite – he responded with a terse, icy “no.”

“His tone strongly implied that I was a bad person for not offering him half of the sandwich,” explained a tearful Monroe. “But I’m actually a really good person, I was just hungry. I’m positive that he started avoiding eye contact with me after that.”

Monroe began spending hours of her day worrying that Malcolm thought she was a bad person, and trying to figure out how she could get him to like her again. She started bringing baked goods and sandwiches into the office, befriending Malcolm’s horrible friends in the hopes they’d put in a good word for her, and seeing a therapist to improve her terrible personality. Despite the fact that there is nothing in Malcolm’s character that should lead Monroe to respect his judgment, her concern has continued for more than a year, and shows no signs of stopping.

When asked if she’s taken a break from her ceaseless worry to consider whether she even values Malcolm’s opinion, Monroe responded in the negative. And is it possible that Malcolm’s coldness could be because he’s spacey, or he was having a rough day, and it has nothing to do with Monroe at all? “No, I have not considered that,” says Monroe. “Seems unlikely.”

This is far from Monroe’s first world record. She currently holds the national titles for Most Time Spent Over-Analyzing an Ambiguous Text Message and Most Concerned With A Stranger’s Opinion, and she is the world record holder for Minutes Spent Interpreting An Inexplicable Sigh.

When asked to comment on his relationship with Monroe, Malcolm responded “which one is she?” Upon further clarification, Malcolm expanded, “oh yeah, she’s chill. Probably a solid 6.5.”