Following reports of multiple thefts from the communal office refrigerator, Laura Smits placed a small label onto her personal hemp milk saying, “DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT” in case any of her coworkers wanted to fucking try something.
“We’ve had a real problem with thieves,” Smits says, pouring some refined hemp slurry into her morning coffee, “and I don’t want anyone thinking its alright for them to just touch my own personal goddamn property without permission.”
While no one in the office appears to drink hemp milk on a regular basis, Smits is ready to “face down a legion of jealous paper-pushing haters who just wish they could.”
Smits points out that the office quart of half-and-half has been regularly pillaged and rarely lasts the full workweek. “It’s insane how desperate these thieves are because there’s hardly any nutrients in it,” Smits explains, “Unlike my hemp milk. They’ll start catching on soon, but I’m ready for them.”
When questioned about the possibility of hemp milk theft, coworkers responses ranged from, “What’s hemp milk?” to “…that stuff Laura drinks that smells weird?”
Taking a sip of the milk-adjacent product purchased for $4.59 at Whole Foods, Smits says, “I’m not like, a health nut, but refined foods and animal products definitely cause a dip in energy that I notice for sure.”
Smits then gingerly placed that carton back into that fridge, with the label facing out, daring others to pull some kind of fucking stunt.
“I don’t know what she’s talking about,” says office manager Kayla Shaffer. “A lot of people seem to like the half-and-half just fine.”
