Witnesses were taken aback last Friday as party attendant Claudia Hanford was revealed to be actually kind of mean for someone with adorable little fruit earrings.
“When I saw Claudia’s mini-banana and orange dangly earrings I was like okay, hi, she’s going to be fun,” said another guest, Dana Greene. “But unfortunately that was not the case.”
While the average person may expect a woman with such whimsical jewelry to be kind, warm, or at least easygoing, Hanford proved to possess none such qualities much to the surprise and chagrin of those who approached her.
“When I first tried to talk to her I thought she was just boring, maybe even shy,” said a friend of the host, Mirabelle Santana. “But then she asked me if it’s embarrassing being an English major ‘because of the connotations’ and I was like what the fuck?”
Most attendees never even got the chance for face time with Hanford, as she spent most of the night talking to a couple of her friends, shooting dirty looks at passersby, and doing coke in the bathroom.
“There once was a time when mini fruit accessories meant someone was an eccentric children’s art teacher,” explained Santana. “But now they’re probably just a 23-year-old with 4,000 Instagram followers who doesn’t do small talk at parties.”
The contradictory nature of Hanford’s aesthetic left minds reeling as those who came into contact with the sort of unkind woman tried to make sense of it all.
“I blame the cool-ization of cutesy quirkiness,” said Greene. “You have stone-cold bitches walking around with Paddington hats and wicker baskets all of a sudden. Can’t they go back to, like, knee-high boots and dark lipstick? These signifiers are very convoluted.”
Hanford’s sweet little earrings may have wreaked havoc on the casual house warming party, but there was a lesson learned for at least one guest.
“Claudia proves that even, or especially, in this image-based world, you really don’t know someone till you get to know them,” said Yasmin White. “I mean, I met an adult goth tonight, and she was a total riot!”
