News broke in your hometown on Tuesday afternoon that your 10th-grade teacher was arrested, but not for the thing you thought.
Kevin Murphy — your old algebra II teacher who was routinely spotted digging big holes in his backyard — was actually just arrested for good, old-fashioned tax evasion.
“Look, I know what you all thought. I’m not a moron,” police chief Jack Johnson said at a press conference outside the County Jail. “But it turns out that Kevin just missed a few boxes on his 2018-2019 tax returns and underreported his income. Surprisingly, that’s it.”
Sources say that “clerical error” was not exactly the vibe that 47-year-old Murphy was giving off when he screened season two of You for his fourth period class and chimed in with cheery comments like, “It’s always the cute ones who will get you.”
“Tax evasion? Was that all it was?” former student Brett Davis commented. “Then what was with the four containers of bleach beneath his desk?”
“Hey, I’ve evaded my fair share of taxes,” English teacher Kylie Castor said. “And that weird little collection of teeth he said he bought while traveling was not tax evasion.”
Two police officers showed up at Smithsville High School right after the band’s three-hour-long holiday concert ended to handcuff Murphy and take him into state custody.
“Are you looking for Mr. Larson? Ms. James? Or any of the gym teachers?” high school principal Diane Tyson asked the police officers, rattling off the list of school employees she always expected the cops would come for one day.
“Oh, of course, you must be here for Mr. Murphy,” the principal realized. “Yeah, yeah, that makes perfect sense. No, not a problem at all. Right this way.”
Word on the street is that Murphy was released on bail later that same day and will likely be able to return to his job seeing that no evidence of crimes outside of the financial ones have been found.