Brooklyn, NY resident Kara Webster has been smoking weed for years, and has never had a problem with it in the past. However, recently, she’s been wondering if weed may be stunting her productivity in some mysterious way.
“Maybe I’m just being paranoid, but I think every time I smoke or take a gummy, I feel like my brain moves slower,” Kara told reporters while lighting a joint. “It’s probably all in my head though.”
Kara explained that her first questioning of whether smoking weed stops her brain in its tracks was in 2016 when she first heard Frank Ocean’s song “Be Yourself”, which features a recording of the singer’s mother explaining that smoking weed makes people “sluggish, lazy, stupid and unconcerned.”
“I’d never thought about it that way before,” Kara said while staring at a blank email draft that she couldn’t remember why she opened in the first place. “I forgot about it for years until I listened to it again this morning after I forgot to go to a doctor’s appointment following my morning bong rip.”
While Kara is still sorting through her confusion about whether weed stunts her productivity, many experts on the subject are confident that it does.
“Yeah, duh, it makes you lazier and dumber,” Dr. Esther Perez, Head of Cannabis Research at Princeton University, told reporters. “I thought everyone knew that? There are absolutely no studies out there that suggest otherwise. Like, that’s the whole reason why people do it.”
Upon hearing this statement, Kara remained unconvinced.
“I’ll believe it when I see it,” she told reporters, despite still not being able to remember what she was supposed to write in her aforementioned email.
As of press time, Kara had forgone her previous suspicions about whether or not marijuana causes lethargy and brainlessness after she found a blog post written by an unknown author about the productive effects of weed.
“I knew it,” Kara said. “It unlocks my creativity — which is all I really need to get anything done!”
