Boasting a new miracle cure, 27-year-old Sophia Hammond is pretty sure that absolutely any problem she faces could be fixed by the simple act of taking a shower, and it appears she is correct.
“I found myself staring at the wall one day, wondering what I’m doing with my life, questioning why I’m taking the path I’m taking, and worried about where any of this will lead,” she told reporters gathered at the scene. “Then I realized: I should just take a shower. A shower would probably make this better.”
Sources confirm she was absolutely right. Sophia showered for about 20 minutes then emerged clean, refreshed, and with a renewed sense of purpose.
“I realized I was just taking everything too seriously!” she continued. “Life is about pursuing small moments that bring us joy. The shower showed me this. The shower shows me everything.”
Reporters decided to ignore the fact this sounded kind of culty, because it also sounded like a great idea.
“If I’m feeling sad, a shower can fix that,” Sophia continued, drying off. “Missing my ex? Shower. Panicking about money? Shower. Late to work? Time to shower, hon!”
Reporters are unsure how this last one follows logically, but they figure they’ll just let Sophia work through the kinks of her own process.
“There’s something about the warm water, fragrant shampoo, and a good scrub that makes everything feel okay in the end,” she continued. “I can enter the shower downtrodden, exhausted, and altogether over, but I leave it feeling like a brand-new person who can take on the world. I’ll be the first to say grad school didn’t do that for me!”
Scientists confirm this post-shower clarity is a well-documented phenomenon.
“We in the scientific community do refer to showers as the ‘miracle cure,’” said mood researcher Tyrese Hill. “There’s definitely something to be said for warm water stimulating endorphins and circulation, but we’d rather just admit that showering has a certain je ne sais quoi, you know? It’s not our job to decide what it is exactly and ruin the fun. Showers just work!”
As of press time, Sophia’s landlord came by to check on her overdue rent. Rather than explain the situation to him, she opted to stand in the shower until he left. Shower cure strikes again, at least temporarily!
