29-year-old Allie Knapp has always been steadfast in her insistence that she doesn’t want to have kids, mostly because that would mean more birthdays for her to remember.
“I already have to remember too many birthdays,” Allie told reporters. “My parents’ birthdays, my siblings’ birthdays, my friends’ birthdays… that’s it basically, but still, I absolutely don’t have the bandwidth for any more, my own offspring’s or not.”
While sources suggested that these birthdays might be easier to remember, given that she would actually be the one giving birth to them, Allie ardently disagreed.
“I know myself, and I’d absolutely block that whole ‘birthing’ ordeal out from my memory,” she said. “It would actually cause me to actively refuse to acknowledge their birthdays in any way other than spontaneous tears that I refuse to explain.”
Some sources close to Allie thought she was making the right decision.
“She didn’t even remember my birthday this year,” said Allie’s roommate, Veronica. “Which would be fine, except that we have the same birthday and hosted a joint party together at the apartment that we share. She kept being like, ‘Why are you wearing a sash too?’ and it’s like, girl…”
However, others think Allie is making a huge mistake.
“She has to have kids!” Allie’s mom Tish told reporters, a manic look in her eye. “Remembering their birthdays doesn’t matter, all that matters is giving me grandkids.”
When asked if there was any other reason she didn’t want to have kids, Allie really had to think for a moment.
“It’s mostly just the birthday thing,” she decided. “I mean, yeah, I also have no interest in bearing and raising children, and the whole concept of giving birth makes me queasy, but those are just minor side things. I can’t remember one more birthday. I just can’t.”
Allie says this hangup has also stopped her from making new friends, getting on a first-name basis with her coworkers, and reconnecting with her estranged mother.
“I’m all birthday’ed out,” she said, defeated. “There’s no possible way for me to overcome this.”
At press time, Allie hadn’t changed her mind on not having kids, but she had decided to start writing people’s birthdays down in her calendar which, for her, is just as big of a step.
