In the wake of Kate Middleton’s prolonged absence from the public eye, 25-year-old Tiana Franklin has wanted to make it very clear that she doesn’t normally give a shit about members of the royal family – except for ones that haven’t been seen for months on end.
“Prince Harry? Don’t care. Prince William? Never cared. Little Prince Louie? Yawn. Kate Middleton? Please,” Tiana said to reporters. “That is, until a month ago when it came to my attention that Kate hasn’t been seen since her last public appearance on December 25th of last year. Now, I’m heavily invested.”
Tiana added that her investment in this story primarily stems from her interest in conspiracies more than her interest in British royals.
“Do I know in-depth details about the goings-on within the royal family at any given moment? Of course! Do I give a shit about them? No! There’s just so much conspiracy fodder within that family that it’s hard to stay away. I only care about individual members if they’ve gone missing. I’ve always said that.”
However, when reporters asked Tiana where she learned all of the details about the royal family, she seemed to fumble for an answer.
“I…uh…I just hear things about them in passing…on internet sites dedicated to discussing them….that I’m an active member of….” she reluctantly revealed to reporters. “But I’m only an active member of those forums in case something like this happens! I want to be in the know in case the royal family suddenly becomes of interest to me.”
“We all like talking about this stuff! Right?” added Tiana, looking visibly nervous.
While reporters weren’t entirely convinced, they did admit that it was fun to speculate about possible reasons for Kate’s sudden disappearance.
“Okay, thank god!” Tiana said. “So, what do you guys think? Coma? Dead? Butting heads with King Charles? Filming for a new season of The Traitors?”
Tiana then went into great detail about her various theories regarding Kate’s disappearance, all of which required a comprehensive understanding of the inner workings of the royal family that would only really be possessed by a historian dedicated to studying British royalty, or 80-year-old royal family superfans.
As of press time, reporters had all quietly agreed that Tiana was definitely obsessed with the members of the royal family, but they didn’t bring it up to her because they were having too much fun speculating with her about what Kate’s season of The Traitors might look like.
