In a confusing story out of Manhattan, NY, leftist Anna Hynes is once again claiming to be anti-capitalist, even though everyone knows she’s literally dating the famous and noted capitalist, Mr. Monopoly.
Hynes is conspicuously separating the political from the personal, considering that she is at once an outspoken critic of the ruling class and literally in a romantic relationship with a man whose God-given name is Rich Uncle Pennybags.
“He’s different,” Hynes told her friends after being called out. “He’s nothing like the other Robber Barons, who are definitely evil and bad.”
Sources report he is, actually, exactly the same.
“She used to call him ‘class enemy #1,’” said Hynes’ roommate Roger. “But then she went to this art gallery opening where she met him and came home like, ‘Wow, he’s nothing like I thought.’ Apparently, he reads Heidegger or something? Seriously, how does that change anything?”
Hynes decries all other billionaires but constantly hops to Mr. Monopoly’s defense, saying he’s “actually a really good guy and everyone should give him another chance.”
The hypocrisy has been a bit hard to ignore, as Hynes posted a photo of herself at a labor union strike followed by a post wishing Mr. Monopoly a happy one-year anniversary. The post was captioned, “So proud of the important work you’re doing to develop Park Place and Boardwalk.”
The members of her tenants’ union are similarly concerned about the conflict of interest.
“Did she think we wouldn’t notice her boyfriend is Mr. Monopoly?” said one member. “He’s literally our landlord.”
When asked how she reconciles the relationship with her beliefs, Hynes said, “I’ve had extensive conversations with Mr. Monopoly about my political views, which he understands and respects.”
Meanwhile, Mr. Monopoly said, “Wait, she’s an anti-capitalist? Haha, cute.”
At press time, Mr. Monopoly had broken up with Hynes, who now maintains that she never loved him and was only dating him to “prove a point.”
What point? Who knows!
