Running her finger disappointedly across wilted leaves, Brooklyn resident Jessica Payne can’t figure out why her houseplant that has evolved over millennia to survive in the tropical rainforests of Borneo keeps dying in her studio apartment.
“I’ve tried everything, but I just can’t seem to get this thing to grow,” said Payne of her pothos plant, which has spent millions of years adapting to survive in ecosystemic harmony beneath the lush rainforest canopy of Southeast Asia. “I’m bummed because it would look so good behind my couch.”
Even after scouring blogs for plant care tips and talking to some of her plant-expert friends, Payne still finds herself baffled as to why her rainforest plant can’t survive in an environment that is the opposite of a rainforest.
“I’ve got the worst green thumb. I just can’t tell if I’m watering it too much or too little,” Payne said beside her dying plant, whose little pot of dirt and sliver of window light could not possibly come close to replicating one of the most expansive and biodiverse regions of the planet. “I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve even tried reading to it!”
Payne also reported that she is especially confused about the sad state of her pothos plant given other plants in her apartment seem to do just fine. “Look,” Payne said, gesturing to the little succulent on her windowsill which only requires a sprinkle of water once a month. “This one is doing great!”
“I guess I’m just not a good plant mom,” chuckled Payne as her houseplant continued dying a slow death from lack of essential nutrients which are naturally bountiful on the dense rainforest floor. “That’s the only explanation I can muster for why this thing won’t grow!”
At press time, Payne decided to just buy a plastic pothos plant which was made by bulldozing and drilling beneath the plant’s natural habitat.
