You’re sitting home alone on a Friday night with a glass of wine and a whole box of Thin Mints when the thought suddenly occurs to you: do I have friends? Does anybody even like me? You try to comfort yourself, but there’s still that inkling of fear. If any of the following have happened, it’s very likely that no one likes you:
1. No One Noticed Your Hair Is Parted On The Other Side
You spent hours planning and executing this major style shift and your coworkers didn’t even notice because they think you’re ugly and stupid. Your friend was “thinking about her breakup” but we both know that’s code for fucking hating you. And the taxi driver? Sure, he hasn’t actually seen you with your old hair, but really, he should have said something. Unless of course he hates you.
2. People Stop Listening To Your Stories After 40 Minutes
Friends love listening. So if you’ve been going on about yourself for most of brunch and you notice your audience starting to lose interest, it’s because you’re awful and no one cares about you.
3. You Didn’t Get Any Twitter Or Facebook Notifications In The Last Three Hours
You only get two or three notifications every few hours? Your so-called “friends” would be liking and commenting on your every online move if they actually liked you. And they clearly fucking hate you.
4. Your Cousin’s Friend Didn’t Invite You To His Wedding
Like that time you complimented his tie meant nothing. You must have some serious and irreparable human flaws.
5. You Were Not Prom Queen
This is the earliest and clearest sign that you’re a total loser with no social skills. If you had any value as a person, others would have noticed it and voted for you, right? But why would they? You suck.
6. You Don’t Always Have Multiple, Competing Plans On Friday Nights
What’s wrong with you? Everyone wants to go out on Fridays. Just not with you.
Be prettier. Be smarter. Be funnier. Be richer. Do something. If you relate to any of the scenarios on this list, then it’s time to change everything about yourself before it’s too late.