Portland, OR resident Gretchen Farrow may have just shattered the concepts of space and time as we know them, with the 28-year-old managing to put off tomorrow indefinitely by simply not going to sleep.
“It was actually pretty straightforward once I thought about it,” Gretchen told reporters. “People stay up late out of dread for the coming day all the time! I just took it to the next level.”
Gretchen said that once she realized that she could stave off the subsequent work day for seemingly forever so long as she abstained from closing her eyes come nighttime, her whole world changed.
“Yeah, this is the first time I’m trying this, but I can already see how it’s going to greatly improve my life in the future,” Gretchen told reporters. “Today will continue on for eternity, and tomorrow, along with its dreaded tasks, will be held forever at bay. I can’t believe more people aren’t doing this.”
When asked why the distinction between “today” and “tomorrow” mattered given that the same amount of time would pass regardless of whether or not you went to bed, Gretchen said that the amount of time that had passed was irrelevant, and that all that really mattered was your perception of said time.
“Today? I’m just hanging out. I’ve already done everything I needed to do. This is ‘me’ time. But tomorrow? That’s just a fresh to do list demanding to be completed.”
Reporters felt like this was a reasonable and concise way of viewing things, however, Gretchen insisted on explaining further.
“Going to bed is like putting a period at the end of a day, it’s done, fini,” she said, her sleep-deprived brain clearly just rattling things off at this point. “Staying awake? Well, honey, that’s an ellipsis. There’s still so much to be said. And that’s science.”
Before reporters could interrogate what exactly she meant by “and that’s science,” Gretchen had already launched into another monologue, apparently under the impression that somebody had asked her a question.
“Tomorrow will never come if you never close your eyes,” she told reporters, the sclera of her eyes now so red and irritated that reporters genuinely thought they were bleeding. She then pondered another unasked question for a moment, before nodding thoughtfully and stating, “A giant snake. Wait, no! Twelve tiny wolves.”
As of press time, Gretchen’s body had reached its limit and she ultimately succumbed to sleep. However, seeing as she had stayed up so late and was so tired when she actually did go to bed, she actually ended up sleeping through the entire next day that she had been hoping to avoid.
“I guess it did work after all! I totally skipped Wednesday. That’s science for you. Oh, wow, my boss has emailed me 15 times.”
