In a perfect execution of foreshadowing, 29-year-old Kendall Pierce has artfully laid the groundwork for canceling plans tonight by casually mentioning her fake headache to friends.
“I’m supposed to go for drinks after work with my friend Nia,” Kendall says. “But unfortunately, my body needs to go home immediately after work, smoke weed, and eat pad thai.”
“I thought I might have to just suffer through honoring my plans, but then Nia messaged me a meme around noon,” Kendall adds. “It was the perfect opportunity and I seized it. First I replied, ‘lmfao’ then I added, ‘Ugh, have such a raging headache today.’”
With exposition this subtle, Kendall is sure to get off scot-free when she goes for the full-plan kill.
“I’m not gonna cancel-cancel till an hour before, because I want it to seem like I’m fighting for my life to make it to these drinks,” Kendall says. “But when I do, the moment I fleetingly mentioned my headache will rack into focus, and Nia will feel nothing but compassion and understanding for my situation.”
Though Kendall is confident she is setting the scene for a seamless cancelation with expert precision, Nia is less than convinced.
“When she mentioned her headache I was immediately like, so does this mean we’re not getting drinks tonight?” Nia says. “But I didn’t say that because I wasn’t just going to offer her the out on a silver platter. That’s why I just told her to drink water.”
“But maybe I’m being unfair,” Nia adds. “Maybe she really was just complaining about a headache, which is a natural thing to want to do. But if she is gonna cancel, it would be way better for me if she just said that now.”
Rather than considering this option for direct communication, Kendall instead opted to go the extra mile by posting a Close Friends saying she can “feel a migraine coming on”.
“It’s like taking candy from a baby,” she said.
At press time, Kendall had developed a psychosomatic headache from pretending to have a headache for so long.