In a story out of Philadelphia, PA, 25-year-old Ellie Weber is currently working with a therapist to improve her mental health, in spite of the fact that one day there will inevitably be a Glee reboot that will undo all the progress she has made.
“I’m so glad that I got into therapy,” says Ellie, who has no idea that one day there will be a reboot of the deeply cursed musical teen drama Glee, and that in it, there will be a performance of ‘LA NOCHE DE ANOCHE’ where a young Latina cast member sings Rosalía’s parts and Mr. Schuester sings Bad Bunny’s parts in poor yet overly sexual Spanish. “I’ve never had more confidence to face the challenges the world throws at me.”
Sources state that she has no fucking idea.
“I never thought I ‘needed’ therapy,” adds Ellie, “but now I’ve realized how many aspects of my childhood and adolescence I never really processed, and how they’re still shaping my self-image and worldview.”
Unfortunately, the unraveling of any progress Ellie has made will begin as soon as a teaser trailer for the Glee reboot appears on her Twitter feed, swiftly bringing her back to the darkest period of her life and of American popular culture.
Ellie’s therapist is similarly concerned by this inevitability.
“In the mental health professional community, we’re doing everything we can to prevent a Glee reboot,” shares Dr. Pamela Howard. “But all we can really do is pray that it goes to a really weird and inaccessible streaming platform like Paramount+.”
“Of course, our patients will still be accosted by clips that could be retraumatizing, and former Gleeks have a higher chance of seeking out that damaging content on their own,” Dr. Howard adds. “I would say that all that’s left to do now is hope for a reboot that isn’t as problematic and deeply unhinged as the original, but we all know that isn’t going to happen.”
As of yet, Ellie is living in blissful ignorance of her dark fate.
“I feel like I’m taking control of my life and I’m feeling good,” Ellie says. “I’ve gotten over childhood abandonment issues, I’ve forgiven my ex; I’m better equipped now to handle the world.”
Sources confirm none of this progress will hold up against Lea Michele playing Rachel Berry as a disgraced Broadway star forced to return to her high school alma mater to help Mr. Schue whip the downtrodden new Glee club into shape.
“It’s going to be brutal,” Dr. Howard says. “Also, I’m about to go out-of-network.”
