The hottest trend for Winter 2014 has us so pumped, we’re practically scream-crying with excitement! Wine-yelling, first made popular by the fabulous over-40 heroines of docudramas like The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and The Real Housewives of other, poorer places, is hitting the streets for the first time.
More and more, everyday women across the country are “communicating their needs” with a goblet of Pinot Grigio in one hand and a handful of overprocessed hair in the other. Not sure you’ll be able to pull off this high-end, frozen-faced trend? The ladies who liquid lunch may have originated the look, but there’s plenty of ways to incorporate this glamorous, hurtful trend into your everyday wardrobe.
Also known as “vino-no-no-you-are-not-walking-away-from-this-conversation,” wine yelling is a fantastic way to show off high cheekbones and low morals. Try it at an intimate dinner! You can swap out your regular Sunday night meal with your mother for a knock-down, drag-out fight about who stole whose hairstylist. While the Lancôme mascara running down your cheeks may seem a little dressy for a simple supper, the hoarse insults being hurled from your toothy mouth will even out the formality. All they’ll be able to see are your fantastic bone structure and ability to stoop ever lower. A menacing, “You’re never gonna be Angelina Jolie, Mom” pairs well with Reisling.
The Botoxed beauties of Bravo originally used this haute couture move to yell at each other for yelling at each other, but you can put a high-low spin on it by wine-yelling over the phone! Whether it’s your sister, your friend, your friend’s friend who owns a boutique, your plastic surgeon, your husband, or your plastic surgeon husband, wine-yelling over speakerphone will effortlessly take you from day to night. Try it in the driver’s seat of your Escalade, or in the giant marble sarcophagus you call a kitchen. Tell your handbag co-designer how “done” you are from the comfort of your wedding planner’s living room table. You can even unleash a deluge of emotions at your teenage daughter, perhaps while perched on the edge of your indoor hot tub. “Why would I trust a girl who has tits bigger than her head?” pairs well with Gewürztraminer.
The trickiest method of shrieking with a glass of cougar juice in hand is at a large social event. Just because you’re not attending any fashion shows anytime soon doesn’t mean you can’t rock this look. Pull this stunt at the next wedding you attend! Grab a glass of red off the nearest circulating tray and tell your cousin Jeanne what you really think of her. She’ll rue the day she ever copied your dolphin fountain. “You suffer from full-of-shit-itis” pairs well with ice-cold Merlot.
Any way you try it, wine-yelling is a great way to ruin this holiday season. Now get out there and start screaming, you two-faced prostitution whore!