Thanksgiving is great in theory. You eat until you’re sick and Aunt Cathy brings way too many bottles of red wine. But before you get that sweet, sweet gravy, Dad holds you all hostage by demanding everyone list something they’re thankful for. What’s worse than a family walk though the leaves? Listening to your siblings brag about how perfect their stupid lives are. Outdo them with these bullshit answers to his stupid game.
“My fiancé, Andrew…”
There is no Andrew. You know it. Your family knows it. But pretending you have a serious relationship will help keep your grandmother from reminding you that she’s “more than fine” if you’re actually of the “butch persuasion” because “those types of girls are actually pretty handy.” Maybe your mother won’t list “future grandchildren, if they ever show up, sigh” as something she is thankful for. At the very least you’ll get to enjoy the Tiffany ring you buy yourself to keep up the charade.
“Oh my god you guys, it’s soooo good! Seriously, like, who do you think did it?” Talking about the runaway hit podcast will keep your family from asking about whether the mistakes you made in high school have resulted in your amounting to nothing over the last fifteen years. Hopefully you can all just imitate the opening MailChimp commercial for a few minutes.
“My amazing promotion!”
Your department was severely downsized and now you do three people’s jobs while still being considered an “intern plus.” Just upsell your current position by using a lot of buzzwords like “social media” and “recession-proof.”
Like in any situation, if worse comes to worst, you can always invoke the name of Messina. Of course you’re grateful for Chris Messina, we’re all grateful for Chris Messina. He’s charming, he’s funny, he’s handsome, and he is on every television show, ever. He’s so accessible that your mother and your little cousins are smitten with him.
“Not having to deal with an unwanted pregnancy”
If things still take a turn for the worst DO NOT hesitate throwing the pregnant teen under the bus (cousin, sister, neighbour girl). Remind everyone what a burden a child is and express your gratitude for not having one. As much as your mom wants that grandchild, she’ll let out a sigh of relief knowing she has nothing to awkwardly explain to her wine club.
With these snappy responses in your back pocket, you’re sure to satisfy even the most sceptical of awful relatives.