Rachel Freezing Some Bullshit into a Popsicle

Los Angeles resident Rachel Teller has declared that the summer of 2016 will be “the summer of popsicles” after looking up a bunch of recipes of bullshit to freeze in her molds.


“Rachel started by freezing lemonade and grape juice,” explains Teller’s best friend, Maddie Sills. “The first time it was cute, but I’m over it now.”


In early June, Teller began expanding her popsicle mold horizons, freezing gummy bears and other bullshit into the molds “just for kicks.”


“It’s like, go take your Pinterest garbage elsewhere,” sister Brianna Teller says. “Candy in Sprite is the diet of a five-year-old trying to fill an emotional void. We are adult women.”


Witnesses say Teller froze grapes in blocks of water, made coconut popsicles textured with rough coconut shavings, decorated the sticks with ribbon and markers, and recently threw some alcoholic bullshit into the molds to freeze, though sources could not yet confirm what exactly that bullshit was.


“I feel like a hospital patient,” Sills confesses. “It’s like she thinks if she takes a bunch of shit and freezes it, it’s going to make it healthier or something. It’s not.”



Teller has invited everyone to next Sunday’s “popsicle party,” encouraging her friends to bring their own bullshit to freeze into a popsicle.


“These molds are the best, right?” Teller smiles. “I won’t stop until I’ve tried every recipe the internet can offer me! Now who wants another popsicle?”


At press time, Teller was joyfully freezing some daises and some other dumb fucking shit.