Why You Should Replace All of Your Opinions with Hating Honeydew Melon

Having opinions about things that matter can be difficult and stressful, but you know what’s not hard—hating honeydew melon! That’s right, hating honeydew is easy, requires minimal thought, and is rarely met with opposition. This opinion is just innocuous enough to not hurt anyone’s feelings, but still unique enough to inspire conversation. So replace these potentially contentious opinions with a burning hatred of a fruit that never did anything to you! You deserve it!


Old Opinion: “The Syrian Refugee Crisis is our responsibility.”
New Opinion: “Honeydew is soooo groooooss!!!”

There’s some political stuff going on and some environmental stuff and a whole lot of sad stuff—all of which makes the Syrian Refugees a scary topic to form any sort of opinion about at all. So don’t! If someone tries to have a nuanced conversation with you about it, just respond by pointing out that honeydew tastes like if a watered-down pixie stick and a rat corpse had a baby and watch everyone around the water-cooler nod in solemn agreement.


Old Opinion: “Caitlyn Jenner is an opportunist who only looks out for her own rights, not those of the trans minority she claims to represent.”
New Opinion: “I’ve literally never had a honeydew that wasn’t mealy.”

Caitlyn Jenner has shed light on the trans community at a crucial time, but she’s also an opportunistic reality show star who continues to reap financial benefits from exposing her inner life to millions. Is she a force for positive change or is honeydew solidified devil semen? See what I did there? I bet you forgot all about good ole Caitlyn, didn’t you? Exactly.



Old Opinion: “Climate change is a myth sold by Big Science.”
New Opinion: “Honeydew is the Ashlee Simpson to cantaloupe’s Jessica Simpson.”

Is global warming man-made, or a conspiracy created by the scientific community to try to destroy the fossil fuel industry? Why risk staking a claim one way or the other when you know people will high-five you for bitching about the tragic overrepresentation of honeydew in most Edible Arrangements? Worried that your observation about the fruit is neither original nor meaningful? Is what you have to say about global warming any better? Throw in an early-aughts pop reference and you’ll be super interesting again!


Old Opinion: “Why aren’t there more women on TV?”
New Opinion: “Why is this $50 Edible Arrangement literally all honeydew?”

Sure, more diversity seems better, but how do we achieve it? You don’t want to be seen attacking everyone’s beloved late night hosts, do you? Rest your head on the opinion that honeydew belongs in the garbage, not dipped in chocolate like it’s some “elevated” “treat. Jesus fucking Christ!


So come on, jump on the bandwagon and hate on that bullshit excuse for a fruit instead of keeping up with the news or thinking critically about serious issues that affect people’s lives in any real way. Sure, taste is subjective and there’s almost nothing at stake in shitting on a melon, but hey…it’s easier than trying to talk about pretty much anything else!