Why My Family of 6 Decided to Fight to the Death Over 4 COVID Tests

After almost two years of the pandemic, the government is finally sending out free rapid COVID tests to every household that requests them. But when my beautiful family of six found out that we were only going to receive four rapid tests in the mail, we weren’t sure what to do. Here’s why we ultimately ended up deciding to fight to the death over our four allotted COVID tests.


My husband, Howard, and I have three beautiful children named Georgia, Ezekiel, and Jackson. We also live with Howard’s mother, Betty, who’s kind enough to help out with the kids whenever she can. It’s been a great living arrangement for all of us, until we heard the news that we’d only receive four tests to be divided amongst the six of us, and Betty is clearly the weakest among us.


Looks like we’ll have to say some goodbyes pretty soon!


I’ve already ordered the tests through the USPS link, which means that once they ship, we’ll have 5-7 business days to prepare for hand-to-hand combat when we get the package in the mail.




Upon hearing my family’s plans, some of my friends and neighbors have told me things like “You’re not serious, are you?” or “You realize you could just buy other tests, right?” But what they don’t realize is that all members of my family are totally on board for the upcoming rapid test battle royale, and we just couldn’t do it any other way.


Just yesterday, my son Jackson told me that he’d be “happy however it works out” because it’s the “divine will that the strong shall destroy the weak”. He’s only six years old!


My husband and I are also making sure that it’ll be a fair fight by giving our kids and Grandma a head start of 20 minutes. Hey, if that’s not fair, then I don’t know what is!


Maybe if the government sent out more tests, or if they sent a certain number of tests per person within a household, my family’s fate would be different. But alas, it’ll be time to go into battle soon. May the odds be ever in four of our favors!