As a single woman in my late twenties, I’ve always felt pressured to find a life partner. But I grew tired of getting ghosted, spending money on frivolous outings, and monotonous conversations. So, for the past seven years, I gave up dating apps and traditional methods and instead have been standing in front of this impressionist painting for almost a decade in the hopes of meeting my soulmate.
If someone stops by to take a closer look at Sunrise by Claude Monet, I know that they have great taste. Plus, Monet’s paintings force you to take a minute and really think about life and the human condition. This prerequisite of patience already weeds out so many potential suitors. And fortunately, this museum offers an annual unlimited pass.
All I have to do is stare longingly at the painting while a random man admires my side profile. He’ll think to himself, “She looks so beautiful contemplating the sunrise. I hope one day she can look at me that way.” And then I’ll turn to him and say, “Are you a fan of Monet?” and impress him with my knowledge of late 19th century European art. We’ll then spend the afternoon talking about how painful it is to live in a world that doesn’t value art and he will have no choice but to fall in love with me.
I’m sure he’ll be here any day now.
Of course, there are drawbacks to my approach. My back is in constant pain from standing all day, my only friends are the museum attendants (we don’t talk because I have to appear totally alone and mysterious when my soulmate approaches, but they’re still the closest people in my life at this point), and I’ve stared at this painting for so long that I don’t necessarily love it? Like it makes me feel physically ill to behold it? But still, it’ll all be worth it when my beloved finds me. Just like Blair and Prince Louis!
So while you are busy rotting your brain and developing a dissociative disorder on dating apps, I’ll be here, wearing heels that are permanently damaging my body but essential to the Look, admiring beautiful art I’m slowly growing to hate, and waiting for the love of my life to approach me. Good luck to the rest of you!