Why I Stopped Thrifting and Started Grave Robbing

Thrifting is a sustainable and cost-effective way to revamp your wardrobe, but ultimately, anything you buy at a thrift store is something someone didn’t want. I realized in order to get the best stuff – the stuff people really want – I’d have to go straight to the source. Which is why I decided to stop thrifting altogether and try my hand at good old-fashioned grave robbing.


Upon my latest trip to Goodwill, I was struck by the sheer amount of flimsy tank tops and one-ply pants I came across. Where were all the well-made clothes? The clothes that were meant to withstand the rapid decay of your earthly form? And then it struck me — people weren’t just giving that stuff up. They were holding onto those things for their entire lives and, god willing, well into the afterlife. If I wanted a stiff blouse sturdy enough to carry me through Heaven’s pearly gates, I needed to stop poking around the $5 section at my local thrift store, and start desecrating the grave of an innocent stranger just trying to enjoy their eternal sleep.


Because here’s the thing: nobody’s getting buried in a beat-up pair of Stan Smiths that are valued at $8. They’re getting buried in a pair of extravagant Valentino platform pumps they probably shouldn’t have even bought when they were alive. They’re being laid to rest in their good jewelry and their favorite slacks with the taxidermized remains of their beloved pet cat that I tried not to look at for too long. Once I realized this, I no longer wanted to settle for “just okay” or “barely passable as a garment” or “somebody’s stickiest pair of sneakers” – I wanted the good stuff.


It only took exhuming a singular grave for me to realize I had made the right choice. Was this a vile and irredeemable act for which I would likely be damned to an afterlife of eternal suffering in the Underworld? Maybe. But was I scoring items I couldn’t even dream of copping at Buffalo Exchange? Yes! Buffalo Exchange doesn’t have precious 22 karat gold earrings that have been passed down from mother to daughter for generations. Thanks, Jane Marie Roberts (1934-2022)!


Now, my wardrobe is filled with chunky gold necklaces, durable black dresses, and too-big suits that I can definitely make work, just give me a second! And best of all – it was all for free (if you don’t count the cost of shovels, having to sell my soul to the devil, and all the black clothing I had to buy at the thrift store in order to sneak into graveyards in the first place)!