As any woman in a nightclub or bar setting will tell you, it can be hard to get men to respect your personal space and general wishes. But after politely asking men to leave me alone on one too many occasions, I’ve finally found the type of rejection they respond to the most: lightly touching the smalls of their backs, and condescendingly moving them the fuck out of my way.
There’s nothing quite like dancing with your friends only to have an unknown man start inching his way toward the edge of the circle, refusing to make eye contact with anyone, but slowly making himself known. I’ve tried politely asking these men to leave, but they often assume I’m “giving chase,” like a bunny or other form of small game. All of that has changed, however, now that I have become versed in caressing a man’s lower back and whispering in his ear, “Hey, baby, can you scooch?”
I’ve spent years being moved out of the way by men who have absolutely no reason to touch me, but at long last, the student has become the teacher. Years of subtle degradation at the hands of random dudes have prepared me to give them the most emasculating experience possible. Hand placement is key: Just high enough that you’re not touching their butt, but just low enough that you’re pretty much touching their butt.
Do I have a reason to physically move these men? No. Could I get them to move without touching them, perhaps by saying, “Excuse me, sir,” and waiting for them to move of their own volition? Uh-huh. But too fucking bad. You’re in my territory now, bitch. To make my method more effective, I’ll even throw in a little back rub or shoulder scrunch. I might breathe on him a bit. I love to get creative!
This method turns every semi-confident guy into a husk of himself, because yeah, having a stranger touch the small of your back literally sucks. It’s one of the worst feelings, up there someone putting their hand on top of your head (unprompted) as if to say, “You’re so small, and I can do whatever I want.”
So, the next time a man at a bar refuses to leave you alone, enjoy making him wish he was never born!
