I won’t put on airs: Historically, I’ve kept a list of people I’ve slept with in a note on my phone. Whether you’re using your body count record as a Little Black Book or just a walk down memory lane, it can be fun to keep track of your lovers. But with that said, at a certain point, it just grew old. And that’s why I stopped maintaining my list after I hit three Matts in total.
I started my list when I first became sexually active in high school. Everything about it was novel and exciting. The names told a story: my first love, my first casual lay, my first Matt. When I got to college and realized I was bi, the list became even more vibrant and diverse. But once I reached a certain number I began to worry. Is this dehumanizing to the complex individuals that comprise this iPhone note? Also, is this still fun for me when I have to distinguish between Matt L, Matt W, and Matt (Tinder)?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results. Or actually, I think the definition of insanity is more about severe mental illness. But regardless of words and their definitions, I reached a point where I realized I wasn’t really content with the status of my love or sex, and those three Matts offered the sobering realization that I didn’t to change my ways. Specifically, I needed to keep doing whatever I’ve been doing, but no longer write it down so I can forget the Matts I have sex with as God intended.
At the end of the day — and I’m so not judging anyone who hasn’t learned this for themself yet — keeping a list of your sexual partners is just kinda immature! What are we, overgrown frat bros making notches in our headboards? I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to reduce a human to a number, I don’t want to be rigid in how I experience life, I don’t want to not try and fuck my friend’s hot brother who’s visiting next weekend just because his name is Matt and four Matts would be, like, a lot.
So that’s why I’m freeing myself from the shackles of documenting my sexual history with a silly list of names. People are not math! And I don’t need to know what percentage of the people I’ve had sex with are named Matt, because my life isn’t some algebra word problem. Here’s to sexual freedom! And to hopefully adding one more Matt this weekend – not that we’re counting!
