You can always count on dating apps to present you with an amalgamation of different types of people: there’s skateboarders, lawyers, students, DJs, among so many others. But one question that kept coming up through all the profiles I saw and first dates I went on was, “Where the hell is all the money?” That’s why I decided to delete Hinge, Tinder, Lex, Bumble, and Feeld for good, in favor of just cold DMing any CEOs on LinkedIn who look like they make over seven figures.
My love life and financial security have never thrived like this before! Sure, a lot of the senior-level employees I’ve found on LinkedIn are selfish, rude to waiters, and conservative, but it sure beats having to split dinner 50/50!
It’s not like I didn’t have problems with my past dates when I was still using the apps either — almost every Hinge or Tinder date I went on was a bad date. One guy I had plans to meet stood me up. Another time, someone I was seeing took me to their one-person play without telling me where we were going. With my new dating app LinkedIn, I never have to worry about these sorts of things happening to me, because the outings always have this semi-professional vibe to them, mostly because my dates are almost always wearing suits, which I’ve truly never experienced before.
One CEO even got me a job! I guess LinkedIn really does work as a career website after all!
I’ve also learned that LinkedIn is even more helpful for finding a suitable partner because you can see all their strengths, their network, and their industry knowledge. I already know that I want a partner who is a Team Player, Great at Communication, and a Top Earner at their company. On Hinge you can only really see their height, drug habits, politics, and religion, which is so boring! None of that makes it clear what your tax bracket is.
Recently, I’ve been talking to a woman who is the CEO of a popular streaming service in France. I can’t really understand her, and I don’t know anything else about her, but I could see myself living the rest of my life with her. Wish me luck!
