Why I Changed My New Year’s Resolution from ‘Be Less Negative’ to ‘Get a Gun’

We all know that the majority of New Year’s resolutions hard to maintain for very long. We often set unrealistic expectations for ourselves, and easily burn out. And other times, our resolutions just don’t adequately reflect the needs of the moment. And that’s exactly why, right around January 6, my resolution evolved from “Be Less Negative” to “Get a Gun and Learn How to Use It.”


After all that happened last year, it seemed only natural that I should make an earnest attempt to see the good in people and try to find the good in any situation, no matter how depressing. But when hordes of conspiracy theorists, some of whom disagree among each other on which conspiracy is the correct conspiracy, storm the Capitol of the United States in a heavily armed insurrection, “get a gun, just in case” seemed like a far more reasonable goal for 2021.


So far, my shift in priorities feels right for the moment: I’m not the type to go out and start a fight, but you just can’t put a price on the peace of mind that comes with knowing you have a Glock and you sort of know how to use it, just in case someone remembers that I had a Biden sign outside my house and decides to come for me and the 5G towers next door and maybe the entire governing body of my Democratic state.


Like Oprah probably said, there’s always room for personal growth.



So next time a bunch of Nazis and their friends decide to storm a building, scale a wall, or otherwise try to crush law enforcement by sheer force, even though they designed their entire political identity around glorifying the idea of law and order, I may not be able to find the upside to the whole ordeal, but I will be able to find my new gun, which is in my glove compartment, next to my other gun, which was on sale.


What can I say – I just always get so motivated in January!