White Woman’s Favorite Activity is Criticizing White Women

In a developing story out of Somerville, MA, it is becoming clear that Leslie Opferman’s favorite activity is criticizing other white women.


“Oh, cool, you love pizza and wine? White women are so lame and unoriginal,” said Leslie, a white woman. “If you’re gonna be a basic ass white girl, at least get a little creative.”


Leslie, a former white girl who has been a white woman since the age of 18, went on to shit talk the women who she resembles most in appearance, background, and culture.


“White women are honestly so annoying,” said Leslie, both Caucasian and female. “Like what other demographic does goat yoga and listens to HAIM and shops exclusively at Madewell? It’s so fucking basic.”


“No wonder people make fun of them,” she added, excluding herself somehow.


Friends of Leslie are confused.



“I get where she’s coming from, but she’s gotten a little out of hand with the whole thing,” said Quinn LeTort, also white. “Sure, it’s great to be able to mock yourself. But she talks about white women like she’s not 100% white too. Like, super white. Like her family came over on The Mayflower and that was her point of pride from 3rd-10th grade white.”


“It’s wild to me that she spends so much time hating on white women, because I’ve witnessed her committing some of the worst white women sins,” said Zola Heress, who is black. “Like, she’s fully called the cops on some black teens for being ‘too rowdy’ at a park and verbally abused a waitress who messed up her order slightly.”


“Leslie is the worst version of the white women that she spends so much time berating,” Zola added.


But none of that is gonna stop Leslie.


“The other day, I saw this group of white girls all holding Starbucks lattes and taking a selfie in front of some graffiti,” she said, still as white as ever. “And it was like, ‘Oh wow you’re so cultured.’”


“I would never be caught dead doing something as white as that,” Leslie added before crossing the street to avoid an oncoming black man.