Good communication is the key to a happy relationship. That being said, some subjects really do stink to talk about—like butt farts. Sure, you can sidestep into the janitorial closet to lay one, or pull the fire alarm and evacuate your entire building until the whole thing “blows” over. But avoiding responsibility is not so simple when you’re asleep and farting next to your lover!
Disturbingly, even the most composed women emit the occasional “brrrrrffft” or “pootpoot” during the night. If you’ve ever wondered how unsexily active your bunghole is while you’re out cold, pay attention to the way your honey snuggles. Here’s what his cuddle style says about your back draft, according to science:
If he lies on his back while you lie on his chest:
Some guys are really protective of the person they’re sleeping with and their farts. If he favors this intimate position, he wants to be the sole consumer of the products of your fart factory. Cute! Your dude is chill with your butt blasts!
If he’s the big spoon:
If your boo-thang smooshes his package into your Flatulance Armstrong, that means he enjoys the vibrations of your rumbles on his most sensitive flesh. Keep eating cheese before bed—your guy is super into feeling the warmth of your brown clouds on his egg roll!
If he’s the little spoon:
If you often assume the role of big spoon, you’ve snagged yourself a guy who loves to be taken care of. And he also likes to be free of your wind path. That’s okay! Go ahead and let ‘em rip—your guy’s found a cuddle style that suits his butt-sneeze-free needs.
If you’re back to back, butts together:
Not only does your guy think your wafting shit don’t stank—he wants it mingled with his own fecal fumes! By positioning his anus in such a way that he might receive the gifts of your anus, he’s ensured that the two of you can continue passing gas back and forth forever. True love!
If he lies facedown on the floor:
Sorry sweetie, but gas rises. If you frequently wake up in the middle of the night to find your guy lying prone on the rug, you’re creating a toxic environment and he’s trying to escape. It’s going to be hard to regain his trust, so theatrically throw out any fizzy drinks you may have lying around and consume less fiber—otherwise you might lose this guy.
After decoding your partner’s cuddling behavior, you’ll feel at ease knowing exactly how your nighttime gas affects his sleep. The takeaway? Don’t get too comfortable—letting out a silent but deadly could be deadly to your romance!
